Tippy Toes …..

I strained on my tip toes to peek through the curtains.  Fear and panic gripped me as I watched the car go round and round.  Spinning through one ditch then raging across the street, throwing dust and rocks into the air and barely missing a row of mail boxes. And finally, coming to a complete sudden stop as smoke billowed from the engine.

What started as a simple late night chore the night before ended in the chaos of Dad jumping in the front seat of Mom’s car the next afternoon and literally driving it to its’ death.

The night before mom had taken a late night trip to the laundry mat in my dad’s car. On our return trip home, my dad’s car overheated.  Mom had no way of getting in touch with him so she kept driving – it was late and she was alone with her three little girls.

He was furious about the damage to his car, so the next day He sought revenge by ‘doing donuts’ in the ditches alongside our country home until Mom’s car died.

This was one of many explosions. But it was the one that sent my mom over the edge and led her to pack up and leave. A few days later, after Mom had sold all our furniture, we loaded onto a gigantic gray bus that took us to my uncle’s house. A few weeks later we moved in with my Granny.

The next forty plus years, my Dad walked in and out of my life just as he drove the car in and out of the ditches that afternoon so many years ago.  Broken promises.  Broken hearts.  Broken dreams. Broken girls. Broken family.  And yes, still a broken car.

Recently, my Dad was kicked out of his nursing home for the third time for his temper and was admitted to a mental hospital. I sent an email to my friend Stephanie asking her to pray. Her reply, “…have you forgiven your dad…just wondering…wanted to make sure you were set free from that before things may get even worse with him.”

As I processed her question, I was flooded with emotions and memories of the car spinning uncontrollably in the ditches so many years ago, but God also instantly flooded my heart with His words from Matthew 18: 21-22, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.

I was able to respond with a “YES”!  I had processed past hurts several months ago with Dad and intentionally went to see him after 15 years of absence.  As God walked me through the visit, He made it perfectly clear that I could not change Dad, I could not change my past BUT I did not have to let my past define me.

In her book, A Confident Heart, Renee shares her powerful journey of forgiveness and says this: “Confidence came as I followed God’s command to seek and offer forgiveness.” Her story has helped me see that it’s possible to forgive and worth the redemption God promises when we do. As I have sought to follow God’s command to seek and offer forgiveness, He has filled me with His confidence to make hard choices – the choice to accept Dad – the choice to pray `the seventy times seven – to continue the circle God started so that He will complete it: “being confident of this, that He who began a good work in {me} will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6).

My Dad passed away this past May.  I am so thankful and blessed that I sought to forgive and to move forward in obedience to Him.  

Lord, thank You for Your gift of forgiveness.  Please help me to forgive those who have hurt me – just as you have forgiven me – especially when the memories of the past come flooding in.   Help me keep no record of wrongs.  Thank You for filling me with Your confidence.  Thank you for freeing me from my past and my pain and not allowing them to define me.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen. 

Won’t you join me in living a life of freedom – freedom from your past – freedom from your hurts – freedom from your fears?